Satire: An Interview with Obama's Alter Ego

Have you had too much playing nice? Too much cooperation? Too much bi-partisanship? Read on.Today Barak Obama's alter ego granted me an exclusive interview.

Mr. President Elect, thank you for your time.

"My pleasure, Mark. By the way please call me Hoops."
Hoops, I asked?

"Yes Hoops. Remember you are interviewing my alter ego. I really wanted to be a professional basketball player, but my mother, and grandparents would have none of it. Do you realize how much money I could have made playing pro ball, instead of dicking around with all this political shit?"

Quite a bit I would guess. So Hoops, you display no animosity towards your political adversaries. Why are you so forgiving?

"Forgiving? Are you kidding me."

"I want to screw all those son-of-a-bitches who fucked with me during the campaign."

"Take that Sara Palin bitch. She took pork barrel money when she was mayor, and then had the nerve to call me a socialist. I'll show her socialism. I'll get that bridge to nowhere funded, and shove it right up her fat hockey mom's ass."

"Then there's Old Man McCain. The GOP is already pissed at him for losing the election and ruining the Republican party. I'm gonna sucker him supporting my immigration plan, and then have my peeps pull back, and leave that senile old fart twisting in the wind."

"Biden, Joe Biden. That SOB almost cost me the election. What a mouth. That bastard just won't shut up. But I have a plan to take care of him. I'm putting him in charge of closing GITMO, and when the last detainee has been removed, I'm gonna have him and his big mouth locked-up in one of those cells. Let's see if anyone is can hear him blabber from Cuba."

"Man I'm gonna get everybody. That fucking good for nothing Liberman. I'm gonna get him good. I already got him kissing my black ass for supporting him with the Democratic Caucus in the Senate, and that's just the beginning. If I was Bi I'd have him on his knees every day of the week. His joules would be so sore, he'd never be able to speak another word."

"Hey, I've already started. Already got Hillary. Secretary of State my ass. I'm gonna foreign policy her pant suit butt to every piss-ant third world country on the map. The biggest plane she is ever gonna see is a single engine Cessna. She is gonna be so lost for so long, Chelsea will be President by the time she gets back to America."

"Mark, thanks for the interview and letting me rant, but I have to go make another cabinet appointment."

A Christmas List for PE Obama

PE Obama, Christmas is coming and you have been a good lad. Chances are Santa will be very good to you, and will get you many of the things he finds on your Christmas list. I am sure you already know what you would like for Christmas, but here are a couple of suggestions.

Pie - During the campaign there was alot of talk about pie. You should ask for a pie.

Bucket - With all the bailouts going on you will need a bucket. I hope you get a big bucket with a strong handle.

Printing press - With the current state of the economy you will need a printing press to increase the production of greenbacks to fund the government until you get the economy back on track.

Pen - When Pelosi and Reed try spending more money than we have, you will need a veto pen.

Rope - You will need a strong rope to pull the politicians from the fringes into the middle.

Highlighter - A green marker (avoid red and blue) to highlight good programs you find worth keeping while going through the budget.

Newspaper - When training puppies you will need lots of newspaper. In a bipartisan gesture, I suggest The New York Times. It will comfort the "right" to know that every day The Times is getting pissed on in the White House.

Shredder - Many things have happened in The White House over the last eight years we don't know about. If you find any evidence of these things please shred them. I'd rather not know. It is time to move on.

President Elect Obama - My vision for America

The Obama transition team has launched a new website. I believe all Americans should volunteer to help our new President as he prepares to steer America though these troubling times.

Here is my vision.

My vision for our Country is for it to become stronger, fairer, and to remain the beacon of hope and freedom for the entire world.

I believe you will do great things for America, but will need help from all Americans.

I have been very fortunate to live in this great land for over 52 years, and have never done much to help my country.

Now is the time for me to give back.

I am willing to donate my time for any non-political project, as you may require.

As the song goes - "I will follow where you lead".

Sincerely,

- Mark

links:
http://change.gov/
http://change.gov/page/s/yourvision

The Future of the Republican Party

A picture is worth a thousand words.

Muse Party taps Mark the Muse for Presidential Bid

by: Matt Muse - Guest Columnist

January 12, 2008

CINCINNATI - Today the Muse Party (Mark's Unmitigated Search (for) Ego) announced it's selection of Mark the Muse as it's candidate for President. When asked why MtM was selected, the party chairwomen Ms. Musette stated,

"Mark has spent a lifetime on a never ending search to satisfy his unquenchable ego. Because of his devotion to this single cause, we could not think of a more experienced or deserving candidate."

The Muse Party, new on the political scene, has never endorsed a person for the presidency before Mr. Muse. When asked why he was tapped to be their first presidential candidate Mark replied,

"I think my selfish dedication to ego fulfilment and my never ending attempts to steal the spotlight from others proves I have the experience, grit, and determination to run for the presidency. And geeeze, how would nominating someone else satisfy MY ego. Man, that was a really dumb question."

I asked Mark if he has formed a campaign committee and written any position papers on the top issues of the day.

"A campaign committee? Why would I want to do that? Have a bunch of people distracting me with their thoughts and ideas. I know what I want and I know what needs to be done. This campaign is about ME, not anyone else."

"As to the issues of the day, I will be presenting my thoughts on the economy, abortion, the war in Iraq, illegal immigration, you know stuff like that."

When can we expect to hear from you on these topics?

"Hey man. One thing at a time. I just got this nomination. If I started thinking about all that important stuff, it would kill the moment. Right now I just want to enjoy my 15 minutes of fame and bask in the limelight."

One more question Mr. Muse. Why did you choose the "V" sign for your campaign logo, and what's up with the band-aids?

"You know Matt, your really starting to annoy me. That was two questions you asked. If you weren't my cousin this interview would be over right now."

Mark don't forget, this interview could be read by tens of thousands of readers. Well, maybe ten people.

"Ten thousand people? Wow. I can feel the love already."

The "V" sign stands for two things, "V" for victory, and "V" for peace. I know this is going to be a ruff-and-tumble contest, so the "V" for peace is to remind people to take it easy on me. And the "V" victory, well with my big fat ego, I can't loose."

As to the band-aids, let me put it this way. I was preparing my acceptance speech, and as I so often do, I had my head up my ass. And at the same time my nose started to itch. It was a really ugly scene, although the paramedics got a big kick out of it. Let's just leave it at that."

My interview with Mr. Muse came to an abrupt end when the Seahawks/Packers game started.