Friday, March 25, 2011

GOP Considering Reality TV Series

In an effort to raise additional money the Republican National Committee is considering creating a reality TV show modeled after some of today's biggest TV programs.

Some of the programs under consideration are:

Survivor Straw Poll
The Celebrity Candidate
Tap Dancing with the Facts
America's Next Top Republican
Big Brother Birther
The real Ex-wives of Newt Gingrich

When questioned if reality shows might confuse voters, a GOP spokesman replied "No way. The GOP will never be confused with reality."

Sunday, March 20, 2011

Rep. King Investigates Long Island Knitting Club

Representative Peter King's House committee on home grown terrorism will be investigating a Long Island knitting club for making homemade Afghans.

Sunday, January 11, 2009

Republicans discuss Larry Craig's Swang

Senate Republican leader Mitch McConnell is trying to explain the size of former Senator Larry "Wide Stance" Craig's swang.

What do his fellow GOP Senators think about this.

From left to right:

Senator Jon Kyl - "Mmm, I don't think he was that big."
Senator John Cornyn - "Yea, he was that big."
Senator Mitch McConnell - Showing the length and girth of Larry's swang.
Senator John Ensign - "That taco I had for lunch gave me gas"
Senator John Thune - "Ohhh, that's rotten. Hey Ensign are you farting again?"
Senator Lamar Alexander - "Dear God, please make the moral majority understand that we are desperate."

(A.P. Photo)

Saturday, December 6, 2008

Satire: An Interview with Obama's Alter Ego

Have you had too much playing nice? Too much cooperation? Too much bi-partisanship? Read on.Today Barak Obama's alter ego granted me an exclusive interview.

Mr. President Elect, thank you for your time.

"My pleasure, Mark. By the way please call me Hoops."
Hoops, I asked?

"Yes Hoops. Remember you are interviewing my alter ego. I really wanted to be a professional basketball player, but my mother, and grandparents would have none of it. Do you realize how much money I could have made playing pro ball, instead of dicking around with all this political shit?"

Quite a bit I would guess. So Hoops, you display no animosity towards your political adversaries. Why are you so forgiving?

"Forgiving? Are you kidding me."

"I want to screw all those son-of-a-bitches who fucked with me during the campaign."

"Take that Sara Palin bitch. She took pork barrel money when she was mayor, and then had the nerve to call me a socialist. I'll show her socialism. I'll get that bridge to nowhere funded, and shove it right up her fat hockey mom's ass."

"Then there's Old Man McCain. The GOP is already pissed at him for losing the election and ruining the Republican party. I'm gonna sucker him supporting my immigration plan, and then have my peeps pull back, and leave that senile old fart twisting in the wind."

"Biden, Joe Biden. That SOB almost cost me the election. What a mouth. That bastard just won't shut up. But I have a plan to take care of him. I'm putting him in charge of closing GITMO, and when the last detainee has been removed, I'm gonna have him and his big mouth locked-up in one of those cells. Let's see if anyone is can hear him blabber from Cuba."

"Man I'm gonna get everybody. That fucking good for nothing Liberman. I'm gonna get him good. I already got him kissing my black ass for supporting him with the Democratic Caucus in the Senate, and that's just the beginning. If I was Bi I'd have him on his knees every day of the week. His joules would be so sore, he'd never be able to speak another word."

"Hey, I've already started. Already got Hillary. Secretary of State my ass. I'm gonna foreign policy her pant suit butt to every piss-ant third world country on the map. The biggest plane she is ever gonna see is a single engine Cessna. She is gonna be so lost for so long, Chelsea will be President by the time she gets back to America."

"Mark, thanks for the interview and letting me rant, but I have to go make another cabinet appointment."

Monday, November 10, 2008

A Christmas List for PE Obama

PE Obama, Christmas is coming and you have been a good lad. Chances are Santa will be very good to you, and will get you many of the things he finds on your Christmas list. I am sure you already know what you would like for Christmas, but here are a couple of suggestions.

Pie - During the campaign there was alot of talk about pie. You should ask for a pie.

Bucket - With all the bailouts going on you will need a bucket. I hope you get a big bucket with a strong handle.

Printing press - With the current state of the economy you will need a printing press to increase the production of greenbacks to fund the government until you get the economy back on track.

Pen - When Pelosi and Reed try spending more money than we have, you will need a veto pen.

Rope - You will need a strong rope to pull the politicians from the fringes into the middle.

Highlighter - A green marker (avoid red and blue) to highlight good programs you find worth keeping while going through the budget.

Newspaper - When training puppies you will need lots of newspaper. In a bipartisan gesture, I suggest The New York Times. It will comfort the "right" to know that every day The Times is getting pissed on in the White House.

Shredder - Many things have happened in The White House over the last eight years we don't know about. If you find any evidence of these things please shred them. I'd rather not know. It is time to move on.

Sunday, November 9, 2008

President Elect Obama - My vision for America

The Obama transition team has launched a new website. I believe all Americans should volunteer to help our new President as he prepares to steer America though these troubling times.

Here is my vision.

My vision for our Country is for it to become stronger, fairer, and to remain the beacon of hope and freedom for the entire world.

I believe you will do great things for America, but will need help from all Americans.

I have been very fortunate to live in this great land for over 52 years, and have never done much to help my country.

Now is the time for me to give back.

I am willing to donate my time for any non-political project, as you may require.

As the song goes - "I will follow where you lead".


- Mark

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

The Future of the Republican Party

A picture is worth a thousand words.

Monday, January 14, 2008

Muse Party taps Mark the Muse for Presidential Bid

by: Matt Muse - Guest Columnist

January 12, 2008

CINCINNATI - Today the Muse Party (Mark's Unmitigated Search (for) Ego) announced it's selection of Mark the Muse as it's candidate for President. When asked why MtM was selected, the party chairwomen Ms. Musette stated,

"Mark has spent a lifetime on a never ending search to satisfy his unquenchable ego. Because of his devotion to this single cause, we could not think of a more experienced or deserving candidate."

The Muse Party, new on the political scene, has never endorsed a person for the presidency before Mr. Muse. When asked why he was tapped to be their first presidential candidate Mark replied,
"I think my selfish dedication to ego fulfilment and my never ending attempts to steal the spotlight from others proves I have the experience, grit, and determination to run for the presidency. And geeeze, how would nominating someone else satisfy MY ego. Man, that was a really dumb question."

I asked Mark if he has formed a campaign committee and written any position papers on the top issues of the day.
"A campaign committee? Why would I want to do that? Have a bunch of people distracting me with their thoughts and ideas. I know what I want and I know what needs to be done. This campaign is about ME, not anyone else."

"As to the issues of the day, I will be presenting my thoughts on the economy, abortion, the war in Iraq, illegal immigration, you know stuff like that."

When can we expect to hear from you on these topics?
"Hey man. One thing at a time. I just got this nomination. If I started thinking about all that important stuff, it would kill the moment. Right now I just want to enjoy my 15 minutes of fame and bask in the limelight."

One more question Mr. Muse. Why did you choose the "V" sign for your campaign logo, and what's up with the band-aids?
"You know Matt, your really starting to annoy me. That was two questions you asked. If you weren't my cousin this interview would be over right now."

Mark don't forget, this interview could be read by tens of thousands of readers. Well, maybe ten people.
"Ten thousand people? Wow. I can feel the love already."

The "V" sign stands for two things, "V" for victory, and "V" for peace. I know this is going to be a ruff-and-tumble contest, so the "V" for peace is to remind people to take it easy on me. And the "V" victory, well with my big fat ego, I can't loose."

As to the band-aids, let me put it this way. I was preparing my acceptance speech, and as I so often do, I had my head up my ass. And at the same time my nose started to itch. It was a really ugly scene, although the paramedics got a big kick out of it. Let's just leave it at that."

My interview with Mr. Muse came to an abrupt end when the Seahawks/Packers game started.

Sunday, December 16, 2007

How Dumb Can A Machine Be?

This morning I went to my local Krogers (a supermarket chain) to buy the Sunday paper. It was the only purchase I was making so I availed myself of the self service checkout. I hit the touchscreen to start my purchase, and then "swiped" my Krogers card to make sure they would know I was spending a whole dollar and fifty cents.

Per direction (from the machine) I scanned my item and placed it in the bag. With no other items to purchase I then pressed the "button" to "proceed to checkout". The machine then asked me the question "Do you have any coupons?"

I roared with laughter thinking to myself.........

"Why yes I do, I have a whole damn paper full of them."

I know the machine was only doing as it was told, and the question was really if I had a coupon to scan, but for a brief second I thought.......

"How dumb can a machine be?"

Friday, December 14, 2007

Question The Candidates - Made In The USA ?

In the presidential campaign you hear every candidate speak about American workers, American jobs going overseas, and U.S. trade policies.

So my first question is "who to believe"? I think a good place to start is find out what the candidates sell for gear. Most (but not all) candidate's websites have an online store to buy "goodies".

I checked 15 online candidates stores on December 14, 2007 and here are the results:

Good Guys:
Fred Thompson - all products made in the USA
Mitt Romney - all products proudly made in USA
Rudy Giuliani - all products made in USA
Barack Obama - All of our products are union and USA made and produced. (have uswa logo)

John Edwards - some products are union made union printed, some are union made in USA
Dennis Kucinich - Union made and Union printed in the USA. Union Made In The U.S.A. Union Made
Bill Richardson - Your one stop shopping center for quality Union Made and Union Printed

Bad Guys (and girl):
Hillary Clinton
Ron Paul
Tom Tancredo
Mike Huckabee
These four candidates have nothing to indicate made in USA or union made!

Five candidates have no store on their website - Joe Biden, John McCain, Chris Dodd, and Duncan Hunter

Now my second question is to Hillary, Ron, Tom, and Mike WHAT GIVES! It appears you talk a good game but do not put your money where your mouth is.

Muses note: This blog entry was proudly made in the USA.

Monday, December 10, 2007

Top Huckabee Aid Promises NIE Report

Today Mike Huckabee's top political advisor delivers his long awaited report on AIDS, and promises to have the NIE report on Iran completed before Armageddon.

Thursday, December 6, 2007

Mitch and Harry - The Nothing Twins

The Senate is back from their Thanksgiving break, and has picked up right where they left off, doing NOTHING.
Mitch blames Harry and the democrats.
Harry blames Mitch and the republicans.
I blame them both. They both lie, spin, and tell half-truths. What we (Harry, Mitch, and me) all agree on is NOTHING IS GETTING DONE.
My solution, a civilian surge. Contact your representatives in Washington, and make these "leaders" understand that we deserve and demand better from OUR elected officials. Their childish bickering will no longer do.

Saturday, December 1, 2007

A Holiday Eggnog For Politicians

Politicians are always trying to "position" themselves on the issues. So, in the spirit of the season, here is my little gift to them. (with step-by-step instructions, because without instructions I am sure they will mess this up)

1) Remove lid from blender.

2) Add eggnog to blender.

3) Add food coloring. Add blue to be liberal, red to be conservative, or both to be moderate. Note: The more you add of either color the stronger your position.

4) Turn on blender.

PRESTO! You have just blended the perfectly positioned holiday eggnog.

Muse's Note: If you were to stupid to replace the lid on the blender before you turned it on, then your to stupid to get my vote.

Thursday, November 29, 2007

The Perfect Christmas Gift For Hillary

Cast Iron Waffle Iron
The perfect Christmas gift for Hillary is this waffle iron. Made of cast iron it will be safe to use when she "Turns up the Heat".
The 30" overall length will keep her at arms length form the fire as she hedges her positions on the issues.
The simple mechanical aspects of this iron allows her to practice her flip/flop as she cooks.
And best of all, she can waffle on two issues at the same time.
A Cast Iron Waffle Iron - The Perfect Christmas Gift.

Why Won't Romney Lie To A Terrorist?

This comment was posted in Jonathan Martin's blog Spin Away @ (about the Republican YouTube debate) - "McCain took Romney to task on the torture question (a reference to waterboarding), and while Mitt had a good point that you don't put everything on the table (no president has before, McCain wants to be the first) but he wasn't forceful enough on the issue, didn't cite good examples and let him take it." posted by : bigmo November 28, 2007 at 11:52 PM

What is up with this flat out dodging of a simple yes / no question by answering "don't put everything on the table". This is straight out of the Hillary playbook in the chapter "How to not answer a question".

The theory is, if I understand it correctly, we don't want to say "we will not waterboard" because it would tip-off the terrorists and influence their training.

This defies all logic!

Scenario 1) Romney gets elected president. At this point the terrorists open their laptops and google everything Romney. They see he is uncommitted on the waterboarding issue so they train for this possibility. We capture a terrorist and decide to waterboard him. He is trained. He is prepared. We get nothing.

Scenario 2) McCain gets elected president. At this point the terrorists open their laptops and google everything McCain. They see he says "no waterboarding" so they don't train to be waterboarded. We capture a terrorist and decide to waterboard him. What does the terrorist do? Say "Hey, your president said he is against waterboarding!!!" To which the interrogator replies "sorry he changed his mind". The terrorist is not prepared, not trained, and we get vital information.

Romney, like Hillary, will say or do anything to get elected. Some call it hedging. Some call it waffling. Some call it flip / flopping. Some call it "I changed my mind". Some might even call it lying. It truly amazes me they do not hesitate to hedge, waffle, flip / flop, change their mind, and even lie to us, their fellow Americans, in order to get elected.

But heaven forbid they get caught lying to a terrorist.

Originally Posted @ November 28, 2007

Wednesday, November 28, 2007

Chi Chi Chi Chia and Christmas

The Christmas season is now here. When I was a young lad, back in the early 60's, the Christmas season didn't start until after thanksgiving. This seemed to be the norm for most families at that time and was certainly the case in our family. (although looking at the Sears Christmas Catalog prior to thanksgiving was allowed)

Retail businesses keep moving the holiday season earlier and earlier, first to Halloween, then to Columbus Day, and now fast approaching Labor day. Cities and towns can be seen stringing holiday lights and decorations in September. Over time our family as gotten smaller and more fragmented (by geographical distance), so the large gathering of family on thanksgiving day is no longer the "event" it once was.

So when to reasonably begin the holiday season? Thanksgiving no longer is the "cornerstone" it once was, businesses are making the season longer, and the sighting of Christmas displays in cities and towns is getting earlier.

My solution - CHIA PETS

CHIA PETS? - Perfect! Somewhere around thanksgiving, not too early in the season, and guaranteed to show up every holiday season.

Last night, for the first time this year, I saw an advertisement for Chia Pets. So for me (by my watch) the holiday season is now here. So to you all I say Happy Holidays, and leave you singing my new favorite chistmas jingle...............


Tuesday, November 27, 2007

Great Quarterbacks - It's In Their Eyes

Much time is spent trying to pick the next great quarterback. They are tested on arm-strength, passing skills, foot speed, athletic ability, and even personality and intelligence tests. All this to try to find the athlete who will be the next greatest QB of all-time. Even with all this analysis, the process fails, with many quarterbacks never reaching the promise of their perceived greatness.

One must assume that with all the fore mentioned testing and analysing, the physical skills and talent are available to the athlete. How then do we find the "thing" the "it" the intangible which makes the athlete the best of the best.

It's in his eyes.

This premise first came to me watching Drew Bledsoe quarterback my beloved Patriots. I nicknamed him"sleepy eyes", because watching him come to the line of scrimmage or trying to perform under pressure there seemed to be this "emptiness" in his eyes that reached right down into his soul.

Look into a quarterbacks eyes.

In the less than great there is a blankness which gazes at you with an empty stare.

In the great ones you are pierced with the fire, the passion, the brain waves sparking as they skillfully work at their craft.

Great Quarterbacks - It's in their eyes.

Monday, November 26, 2007

5 Reasons NOT To Impeach George Bush

The order of Presidential Succession is as follows:

1) Vice President - Richard Cheney
2) Speaker of the House of Representatives - Nancy Pelosi
3) President Pro Tempore of the Senate - Robert Byrd
4) Secretary of State - Condeleeza Rice
5) Secretary of the Treasury - Henry Paulson

In my opinion we would have to oust President Bush plus the next 5 in line for the presidency. I would be content with #6.

6)Secretary of Defense - Robert Gates

With just a little more than a year left in his presidency how much time and energy do we want to waste to find no improvement. (or make things worse)

Gore Explains Nobel Prize to Bush

Today Al Gore explained to George Bush how he got the Nobel Prize.
Bush replied "NOEL prize! I love Christmas, I want a NOEL prize too!"
For fighting global warming there's a Nobel prize, for fighting everyone else.......priceless.

Sunday, November 25, 2007

Mitt Romney Learns To Count

Romney counting the number of times he's flipped/flopped on the issues.