Rep. King Investigates Long Island Knitting Club

Representative Peter King's House committee on home grown terrorism will be investigating a Long Island knitting club for making homemade Afghans.

Republicans discuss Larry Craig's Swang

Senate Republican leader Mitch McConnell is trying to explain the size of former Senator Larry "Wide Stance" Craig's swang.

What do his fellow GOP Senators think about this.

From left to right:

Senator Jon Kyl - "Mmm, I don't think he was that big."
Senator John Cornyn - "Yea, he was that big."
Senator Mitch McConnell - Showing the length and girth of Larry's swang.
Senator John Ensign - "That taco I had for lunch gave me gas"
Senator John Thune - "Ohhh, that's rotten. Hey Ensign are you farting again?"
Senator Lamar Alexander - "Dear God, please make the moral majority understand that we are desperate."

(A.P. Photo)

A Christmas List for PE Obama

PE Obama, Christmas is coming and you have been a good lad. Chances are Santa will be very good to you, and will get you many of the things he finds on your Christmas list. I am sure you already know what you would like for Christmas, but here are a couple of suggestions.

Pie - During the campaign there was alot of talk about pie. You should ask for a pie.

Bucket - With all the bailouts going on you will need a bucket. I hope you get a big bucket with a strong handle.

Printing press - With the current state of the economy you will need a printing press to increase the production of greenbacks to fund the government until you get the economy back on track.

Pen - When Pelosi and Reed try spending more money than we have, you will need a veto pen.

Rope - You will need a strong rope to pull the politicians from the fringes into the middle.

Highlighter - A green marker (avoid red and blue) to highlight good programs you find worth keeping while going through the budget.

Newspaper - When training puppies you will need lots of newspaper. In a bipartisan gesture, I suggest The New York Times. It will comfort the "right" to know that every day The Times is getting pissed on in the White House.

Shredder - Many things have happened in The White House over the last eight years we don't know about. If you find any evidence of these things please shred them. I'd rather not know. It is time to move on.

Muse Party taps Mark the Muse for Presidential Bid

by: Matt Muse - Guest Columnist

January 12, 2008

CINCINNATI - Today the Muse Party (Mark's Unmitigated Search (for) Ego) announced it's selection of Mark the Muse as it's candidate for President. When asked why MtM was selected, the party chairwomen Ms. Musette stated,

"Mark has spent a lifetime on a never ending search to satisfy his unquenchable ego. Because of his devotion to this single cause, we could not think of a more experienced or deserving candidate."

The Muse Party, new on the political scene, has never endorsed a person for the presidency before Mr. Muse. When asked why he was tapped to be their first presidential candidate Mark replied,

"I think my selfish dedication to ego fulfilment and my never ending attempts to steal the spotlight from others proves I have the experience, grit, and determination to run for the presidency. And geeeze, how would nominating someone else satisfy MY ego. Man, that was a really dumb question."

I asked Mark if he has formed a campaign committee and written any position papers on the top issues of the day.

"A campaign committee? Why would I want to do that? Have a bunch of people distracting me with their thoughts and ideas. I know what I want and I know what needs to be done. This campaign is about ME, not anyone else."

"As to the issues of the day, I will be presenting my thoughts on the economy, abortion, the war in Iraq, illegal immigration, you know stuff like that."

When can we expect to hear from you on these topics?

"Hey man. One thing at a time. I just got this nomination. If I started thinking about all that important stuff, it would kill the moment. Right now I just want to enjoy my 15 minutes of fame and bask in the limelight."

One more question Mr. Muse. Why did you choose the "V" sign for your campaign logo, and what's up with the band-aids?

"You know Matt, your really starting to annoy me. That was two questions you asked. If you weren't my cousin this interview would be over right now."

Mark don't forget, this interview could be read by tens of thousands of readers. Well, maybe ten people.

"Ten thousand people? Wow. I can feel the love already."

The "V" sign stands for two things, "V" for victory, and "V" for peace. I know this is going to be a ruff-and-tumble contest, so the "V" for peace is to remind people to take it easy on me. And the "V" victory, well with my big fat ego, I can't loose."

As to the band-aids, let me put it this way. I was preparing my acceptance speech, and as I so often do, I had my head up my ass. And at the same time my nose started to itch. It was a really ugly scene, although the paramedics got a big kick out of it. Let's just leave it at that."

My interview with Mr. Muse came to an abrupt end when the Seahawks/Packers game started.

How Dumb Can A Machine Be?

This morning I went to my local Krogers (a supermarket chain) to buy the Sunday paper. It was the only purchase I was making so I availed myself of the self service checkout. I hit the touchscreen to start my purchase, and then "swiped" my Krogers card to make sure they would know I was spending a whole dollar and fifty cents.

Per direction (from the machine) I scanned my item and placed it in the bag. With no other items to purchase I then pressed the "button" to "proceed to checkout". The machine then asked me the question "Do you have any coupons?"

I roared with laughter thinking to myself.........

"Why yes I do, I have a whole damn paper full of them."

I know the machine was only doing as it was told, and the question was really if I had a coupon to scan, but for a brief second I thought.......

"How dumb can a machine be?"

Top Huckabee Aid Promises NIE Report

Today Mike Huckabee's top political advisor delivers his long awaited report on AIDS, and promises to have the NIE report on Iran completed before Armageddon.

A Holiday Eggnog For Politicians

Politicians are always trying to "position" themselves on the issues. So, in the spirit of the season, here is my little gift to them. (with step-by-step instructions, because without instructions I am sure they will mess this up)

1) Remove lid from blender.

2) Add eggnog to blender.

3) Add food coloring. Add blue to be liberal, red to be conservative, or both to be moderate. Note: The more you add of either color the stronger your position.

4) Turn on blender.

PRESTO! You have just blended the perfectly positioned holiday eggnog.

Muse's Note: If you were to stupid to replace the lid on the blender before you turned it on, then your to stupid to get my vote.

The Perfect Christmas Gift For Hillary

Cast Iron Waffle Iron

The perfect Christmas gift for Hillary is this waffle iron. Made of cast iron it will be safe to use when she "Turns up the Heat".

The 30" overall length will keep her at arms length form the fire as she hedges her positions on the issues.

The simple mechanical aspects of this iron allows her to practice her flip/flop as she cooks.

And best of all, she can waffle on two issues at the same time.

A Cast Iron Waffle Iron - The Perfect Christmas Gift.

Chi Chi Chi Chia and Christmas

The Christmas season is now here. When I was a young lad, back in the early 60's, the Christmas season didn't start until after thanksgiving. This seemed to be the norm for most families at that time and was certainly the case in our family. (although looking at the Sears Christmas Catalog prior to thanksgiving was allowed)

Retail businesses keep moving the holiday season earlier and earlier, first to Halloween, then to Columbus Day, and now fast approaching Labor day. Cities and towns can be seen stringing holiday lights and decorations in September. Over time our family as gotten smaller and more fragmented (by geographical distance), so the large gathering of family on thanksgiving day is no longer the "event" it once was.

So when to reasonably begin the holiday season? Thanksgiving no longer is the "cornerstone" it once was, businesses are making the season longer, and the sighting of Christmas displays in cities and towns is getting earlier.

My solution - CHIA PETS

CHIA PETS? - Perfect! Somewhere around thanksgiving, not too early in the season, and guaranteed to show up every holiday season.

Last night, for the first time this year, I saw an advertisement for Chia Pets. So for me (by my watch) the holiday season is now here. So to you all I say Happy Holidays, and leave you singing my new favorite chistmas jingle...............

CHI CHI CHI CHIA....CHI CHI CHI CHIA....

Dorgan gives Favre like performance

Today Senator Byron Dorgan zipped thru Senate business in only 28 seconds. This performance beat the previous 2007 Senate record of 30 seconds set by Senator Jim Webb only last Friday. An observer said it was truly amazing to watch Senator Dorgan, a senate veteran of 15 years, outperform his younger counterpart Senator Webb, a Senate rookie.

"It was almost like watching Brent Farve dueling Tony Romo", someone was overheard saying, "with the skillful vet showing the young gun he is still on top of his game."

When asked if this record will stand, an insider said he believes the record will not hold up. I know the Democrats are reviewing the tapes of the Webb / Dorgan performances and believe there is still a couple of seconds, in both speaking speed and gavel speed, available to them.

The next attempt for the record will be Tuesday November 27 at 9am.

Don't blink or you might miss it.


(originally posted @ Politico.com Friday November 23, 2007)

GOP Presidential Gameplan - 2008

My proposed strategy for a republican victory in 2008:

The republicans must insure that Hillary is the democratic candidate in 2008 because she is the only democratic candidate they know they can beat.

Make sure every republican candidate keeps talking up Hillary as the democratic nominee. This will get the democrats to vote for her (because if the republicans hate her so much she must be good) and rally the republicans against her (because she is just so bad).

Have someone, anyone, plant little unconfirmable stories to get the democrats start questioning her trustworthiness and sleaziness.

The goal is to have her win the primary, but not by much.

In July there can be no more troop drawdown in Iraq. (for a yet unknown reason, but as sure as the sun rises, Bush and Chaney will invent one) Right before the democratic convention, say early-mid August have DHS Secretary Michael Chertoff ratchet-up the National Threat advisory to Orange because of "classified intelligence" which he can't discuss because of national security.

This insures Hillary leaves the democratic convention in a weak personal position (from the primary) and the democrats in a bad national security position having to promise to end the war, with all this pending doom and gloom getting ready to destroy us.

A week later the republicans elect someone (it really doesn't matter) and leave their convention beating back the terrorists with one hand and pointing at a bad weak Hillary with the other. "I am the only candidate that can keep America safe" will proclaim the republican nominee.

Now for the coup-de-gras....about 3 week before the election, say mid-October, George W. Bush takes one for the team and personally thanks Hillary for voting and supporting him on the Iraq war, noting how he couldn't have managed to successfully wage the war without her strong support. (waiving her Senate voting record for all to see)

On November 4 with democrats feeling mislead, lied to, and abandoned they fail to turn out the vote, and with a strong republican turnout against Hillary, the republicans win the election.

Remember boys and girls, you heard it here first.

(Originally Posted @ Politico.com November 21, 2007)